News Story 1
Principal Tonya King denied junior Jim Stack’s request to grow his hair out for charity “Locks of Love,” Stack’s wrote a letter to the school board asking them to vote on his request. They vote Monday to vote.
‘Had I approved Stack’s request then, I would have students everyday asking if they could break the dress code,” Principal Tonya King said. “The school would be chaos then.”
The school dress code states that “male students hair must be no longer than collar length and must be of a natural color.” couldn’t stretch the rules for 1 student.
“I don’t know how many teenagers today would put so much time and effort into helping someone else.” Jim Stack’s mother Holly Stack said.
Stack’s taking up to 12 and 18 months to grow his hair out 10 inches top donate to ‘Locks of Love.” Stack’s was motivated to donate his hair after watching his 5 year old sister lose her hair due to chemotherapy treatment.
“Not very many people donate hair.” Stack said. anyone can donate money but, it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.”
Stack’s family could not afford a wig but his mother contacted the non profit group and they sent her a wig that changed her personality.
“When the wig arrived, she came alive again.” Stack’s mother said the wig changed stack’s sister’s attitude. and after that she got a clean bill of health and inspired her brother Jim to donate his hair.
“After i reach my goal of 10 inches of hair,” Stack’s said. I hope I can inspire more people in the town to grow their hair and donate it.”
Good
1.Quote choice
2.Facts in transitions
3.Ending
Not good
1.His name is Stack not Stacks
2.Indent each transition and quote
3.Few typos (1year, you have periods instead of commas, capitalization)
Bad:
1. Sentence 1 is a run-on
2. I needs to be capitalized in last paragraph.
3. And needs to be capitalize in second to last paragraph. Your main problem is typing.
Good:
1. Lead in covers all information and creates a hook.
2. Lead in to quotes are good
3. Good conclusion that provides an answer to lead
Good job lacey maness
Principal Tonya King denied junior Jim Stacks request to grow his hair out for charity “Locks of Love”, stacks wrote a letter to the school board asking them to vote on his request. They are meeting Monday to vote. NEEDS TO BE STACK’S REQUEST. COMMA GOES INSIDE THE QUOTE AFTER LOCKS OF LOVE. CAPITALIZE STACK NOT STACKS. INSTEAD OF THEY ARE MEETING ON MONDAY TO VOTE. YOU COULD SAY: THEY VOTE MONDAY.
‘Had I approved Stacks request then, I would have students everyday asking if they could break the dress code,” Principal Tonya King said. “The school board would be chaos then.” HIS NAME IS STACK NOT STACKS. THE SECOND PART OF THIS QUOTE HAS AN EXTRA WORD IN IT. OMMIT THE WORD BOARD.
The school dress code states that “male students hair must be no longer than collar length and must be of a natural color.” so King couldn’t stretch the rules for 1 student. NO QUOTES NEEDED HERE. GET RID OF SO KING…
“I don’t know how many teenagers today would put so much time and effort into helping someone else.” Jim Stacks mother Holly Stack said. STACK’S
Stack’sJUST STACK taking up to 1year and 18 months to grow his hair out 10 inches top donate to ‘Locks of Love.” Stack’s was motivated to donate his hair after watching his 5 year old sister lose her hair due to chemotherapy treatment. GET RID OF 1 YEAR REPLACE WITH 12. NO QUOTES NEEDED AROUND LOCKS OF LOVE. STACK’S SHOULD BE STACK.
“Not very many people donate hair.” Stack’s said. anyone can donate money but, it takes time and dedication to grow your hair and donate it.”
Stack’s family could not afford a wig but his mother contacted the non profit group and they sent her a wig that changed her personality.
“When the wig arrived, she came alive again.”
Stack’s mother said the wig changed stack’s sister’s attitude. and after that she got a clean bill of health and inspired her brother Jim to donate his hair.SOME OF THIS IS AN OPINION.
“After i reach my goal of 10 inches of hair,” Stack’s said. I hope I can inspire more people in the town to grow their hair and donate it.”
NEED TO INCLUDE THE INFO ABOUT BOTH LETTERS. YOU HAVE A FEW THINGS THAT ARE NOT FACTUAL IN TRANSITIONS.